


this is the last time (i won't hurt you anymore)

by waterybrains



Series: There’s Still A Light In The House [1]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, F/F, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-02-12 19:34:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21481672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterybrains/pseuds/waterybrains
Summary: “Please, Charity.”And Charity knows what Vanessa is asking.The room is quiet other than the sound of dishes being thrown in the sink and it takes everything in Charity not to get on her knees in front of Vanessa and beg for mercy. Her heart is beating so fast she thinks she can hear it crack open when Vanessa says please and for the first time in two days the devastation of what’s happening finally hits her.Her life is falling apart and she can’t do anything to stop it, and what’s worse is it’s her own fault. She’s ruined everything.
Relationships: Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield
Series: There’s Still A Light In The House [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1554151
Comments: 11
Kudos: 84





	this is the last time (i won't hurt you anymore)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alwaysbabe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwaysbabe/gifts).

> a quick shoutout to kate for encouraging me to run wild with all my ideas and reminding me to write and to millie for correcting all my comma placements and validating me always. <3

“It’s _ over. _ We’re **done**.”

And then Vanessa’s gone. Out the pub.

_ She didn’t look back, _ Charity notes to herself as she watches the doors swing back and forth and she feels her knees buckle. She’s surprised that she’s still standing - her legs feel like jelly, and after a beat she tries shifting her weight from side to side to distract herself from the tears that threaten to spill - but it doesn’t work.

She takes a deep breath and it gets stuck somewhere in her chest, and all she can hear is the sound of her heartbeat in her own ears. She closes her eyes, desperate to try and somehow keep it together because even if she can’t see them she knows that there are eyes watching and she needs to stay strong and it doesn’t matter that she’s just gotten her heart broken, she won’t give them the satisfaction of seeing her cry _ \- _but no matter how hard she tries the tears comes anyway, and she doesn’t know what to do next.

(It’s _ over. _ We’re **done**)

She wants nothing more than to run after Vanessa - she’ll do anything for another chance to do things right, she’ll beg and plea for the rest of her life if she has to but she _ knows _ Vanessa, knows that when she’s this angry and emotional there’s nothing Charity can do or say to change her mind, so she doesn’t follow her out the door. She waits. She’ll give Vanessa the space she needs. Come up with a game plan.

She knows she needs to do a lot of grovelling and she owes Vanessa about a thousand different apologies, but she hangs on tightly to the knowledge that despite the fact that Vanessa walked out that door and didn’t look back, Charity’s ring still sits on her finger where it belongs.

(It’s _ over. _ We’re **done**)

Charity thinks, _ I’ll win her back tomorrow. _

**

Vanessa feels oddly calm. 

She thought she’d be more upset, crumbling under the weight of the heaviness she feels in her chest but she feels strangely _okay, _and not like she just ended the best relationship she’s ever had. She’d gone straight to Tug Ghyll where Tracy was with Johnny after she left the pub and they’d spent the rest of the evening watching films and playing with her family.

She purposefully leaves her phone somewhere she can’t hear it so she can ignore the world because she has to, and she still manages to keep it together when she lets Tracy know that both her and Johnny will be spending the night. Tracy shoots her confused looks but Vanessa distracts her with pictures of her and Johnny from their time in Cornwall and somehow it works. 

When Tracy comes back downstairs after putting Johnny to bed, she finally says it out loud.

“So, I broke up with Charity,” Vanessa blurts out. Her voice shaking and she can feel the tears come up for the first time since she left the pub. 

“You what?” Tracy shrieks, her eyes widening with shock, “What happened?”

Vanessa stays quiet, and when she still doesn’t answer after a minute Tracy breaks the silence.

“Vee?”

Vanessa takes a deep breath, “She’s been lying to me for months.”

“Lying? About what?” 

“She-” Vanessa starts, but she can’t bring herself to betray Charity like that_. _ She thinks back to her outburst at the pub and the look on Charity’s face (that she wishes she could unsee) and she feels terribly guilty even though she knows she doesn’t need to. She’s not the one in the wrong here, but she still feels awful and she can’t speak ill of Charity any more than she already has. Not even to her own sister. So she shakes her head, “It doesn’t matter, but it’s _ over. _ Charity and I, we’re ** done**."

“Oh, Vee,” Tracy says, as she plops herself down on the sofa beside Vanessa, “I’m so sorry. You deserve better than that.” 

“I know, I just-” 

Suddenly the realization of what she’s done hits her, and before she can stop herself the tears come and she lets out a broken whimper as her face crumples and her body is wracked with an onslaught of sobs. She buries her face in her hands to try and keep it all under control - but she can’t - because she can’t feel anything and _ yet _ she feels everything all at once and she can’t breathe and there’s a weight on her chest so heavy she thinks she might be drowning. 

Because her Dad is dead. 

Her fiancée is a liar. 

And suddenly the future she thought she had - the future she’d desperately wanted doesn’t exist anymore. 

She feels Tracy shift beside her and before she knows it her little sister has gathered her up in her arms, whispering soft words into her hair that she can’t hear over the sound of her own sobs_. _She knows it’s meant to be comforting but somehow it makes her feel worse, because all she can think of is that _ It’s not Charity_, and even after all the lies there’s nothing she wants more than to be wrapped in Charity’s arms. Despite the anger burning hotly in her chest, all she wants is for Charity to be the one telling her that everything’s going to be okay - but that’s never going to happen _ ever again_. 

Because it’s _ over. _

They’re **done.**

She was the one that ended it and the worst part is that she doesn’t even regret it. 

Because ultimately, _it was the right thing to do. _

She repeats the mantra in her head until it becomes numbing rather than heartbreaking. She repeats it until she stops crumbling under the pressure in her chest that she’s sure she’s only imagining, until the part of her brain that desperately misses Charity even though they’ve been broken up for less than 24 hours goes quiet, until she doesn’t have to hold back a sob every time she tries to fill her lungs with air. 

She puts herself back together because she has no other choice. 

She has to carry on.

**

Charity tries everything she can think of to sleep that night: first she tries sleeping on Vanessa’s side of the bed. When that doesn’t work, she goes to the wardrobe to grab one of Vanessa’s jumpers that she’d never be caught dead wearing in public and puts it on, and for a second it actually works. When she closes her eyes she can almost pretend Vanessa’s in the room with her, that it’s just any other night and they’re in bed together and Vanessa’s tucked safely in her arms. 

The combination of the smell of Vanessa’s shampoo and her exhaustion _ almost _ puts Charity to sleep, but whenever she eventually dozes off her dreams are filled with the memory of Vanessa standing in front of her in the pub, the hurt and heartbreak clear as daylight on Vanessa’s face- “_It’s over, we’re done” - _ playing over and _ over _ and **over** and over every time her eyes close and after the third time, she finally gives up on sleep.

She ends up lying in bed for hours on end, staring up at the ceiling until morning streams through their bedroom window.

She decides to get out of bed when she hears Noah and Sarah bickering over breakfast downstairs and for a second she lets herself pretend she can hear Vanessa there with them, packing the kids their school lunches like she usually does most mornings. 

She’s not going to tell them, not just yet, because _ it’s really none of their business_, Charity tells herself - but she knows deep down it’s because telling them would make their break up final. That it’ll all become very real and not just a really vivid nightmare she’s conjured - that she’s managed to ruin another relationship yet again. That she’s managed to ruin the best relationship she’s ever had.

She thinks about their little family unit, how heartbroken Noah’s going to be even if he doesn't show it, how her lies has cost him another step-parent yet again. She thinks about Moses and how he’s going to lose Vanessa. She thinks about Johnny -_ her Johnnybobs - _ the boy she’s come to love like one of her own and she can’t ignore the way her heart constricts and the way her stomach drops when she thinks about never seeing him again, or never hearing him call her _ “Chatty” _ and never getting another cuddle from _ her _ Johnny ever again.

She’s not losing _ her son_. And she’s determined to make sure her kids won’t lose Vanessa either. That _ she _ hasn’t lost Vanessa either.

So she’s not going to tell the kids.

She can’t pull the rug out from under them, not just yet. 

They catch her before they head off to school and when they ask her where Vanessa is she lies through her teeth and tells them Vanessa had an early appointment, hoping to God that the rest of the village will somehow stay far, far away from her kids today so they don’t find out that Vanessa’s ended their relationship.

(She scoffs at the irony of it, how Vanessa had dumped her because she lied and yet here she is, lying to her kids. 

She tells herself it’s to protect the kids, no use breaking their hearts too, but there’s a voice in the back of her mind (that sounds just like Vanessa's) that tells her lying is the wrong thing to do. 

She ignores it for now.

First she needs to try and win Vanessa back.) 

**

Charity practically throws herself at Vanessa as soon as Tracy leaves the room, desperate to close the distance between them. These past two days of not having Vanessa in her space and in her home and_ in her bed _ has been excruciating, and somewhere between the panic of nearly losing Moses and the look of worry on Vanessa’s face and how small she looks under the blankets on the sofa, Charity convinces herself that the other woman misses her just as much and she acts on her impulses before her brain can stop her.

_ I’ve missed you_, Charity thinks to herself, and she can’t stop herself from blurting the words out of her mouth. “I can’t live without you.”

“Yes you can, It’s just new,” Vanessa replies quickly, not missing a single beat. 

“Please, I don’t want it to be like this forever, please,” Charity begs and she just wants Vanessa to give her _something_. She knows Vanessa owes her nothing, but a part of Charity just wants the love of her life to help her out, for Vanessa to tell her what she needs to do to win her back, to show Vanessa she’s changed because Charity would do anything - _anything - _for them to be together again. For them to be a family again.

Vanessa shushes her and Charity’s body goes on autopilot and she gently cups Vanessa’s cheek to pull her in for a kiss, and the possibility of Vanessa pushing her away doesn’t even occur to Charity until she feels a hand against her shoulders and her blood immediately runs cold. She thinks her heart might’ve stopped beating when she hears Vanessa’s voice.

“No, Charity, no.” 

Charity pulls back right away, “I’m so sorry.”

“That’s okay,” Vanessa replies immediately. 

And then the room goes quiet. 

Charity shuffles back on the sofa, giving Vanessa the space Charity thinks she might need, but she still can’t bring herself to let Vanessa’s hand go - Charity’s gripping it so tight and the masochistic part of her hangs on to the fact that Vanessa’s gripping her hand right back and it helps Charity keep the tears at bay. 

(It also helps that Charity can feel Vanessa's engagement ring digging into her palm and it stings a little but it’s still on Vanessa’s finger - _ where it belongs _ \- and that simple fact is keeping her grounded. It lets her hang on to the belief they aren’t really over, that this is just a bump on the road. A big bump, but just a bump nonetheless. It reminds Charity why she came here to see Vanessa in the first place.)

So she takes a deep breath and she tries to not lose it just yet. Do what she came here to do. 

“I really am sorry, Ness,” Charity tries again, “I mean it, I know I shouldn’t have lied to you and I’m so sorry that I did. I only ever did it to protect your feelings-”

She watches as Vanessa inhales sharply like she’s going to interrupt, but her grip on Vanessa’s hand tightens and she continues before Vanessa can get a word in edgewise.

“-and I swear, I _swear_ that it’s never been because I don’t love you, or that you’re not exciting enough for me, or whatever it is you think, babe. I just want to make you happy, give our family a future, our own place, the wedding of our dreams. Give you the life you deserve without ever having to worry about money ever again - and I know I’ve gone about it the wrong way, I get that and I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I won’t do it again, and I’ll spend the rest of my life keeping that promise. Please, just let me show it to you. Show you I can change.”

“I don’t want you to change, God, Charity-” Vanessa sighs, using her free hand to throw the duvet off her lap and onto the floor of the living room. She crosses her legs in front of her. “I’ve never wanted you to change. I never have and I never will. ”

“Then what is it?”

“I just don’t- can’t trust you. Not anymore.”

“Of course you can, babe, it’s me, yeah?”

“I really can’t, Charity. I mean how could I? You’ve been lying to me for months. _ Months_. I even asked you if it was dodgy money and you looked me dead in the eye and swore that it wasn’t. On our children’s lives! How do you expect me to ever trust you after that?”

“I’ll never do it again, and I know I can’t ever apologize enough but if there’s anything I can do to win your trust back, to fix this, fix us - Please, Ness, I’ll do anything, Please. Just tell me what I need to do. I need you in my life, our kids, they need you too. _ Please._” 

Tears start to brim in Vanessa’s eyes as she swallows and shakes her head. She pauses for a second in a way that makes Charity nervous, and when she speaks again there’s a crack in her voice.

“Noah and Sarah stopped by yesterday-” 

“Vanessa-”

“-and I told them that I’ll be here anytime they need me and I mean it, Charity - same for Moses, and even Debbie and Ryan and Jack if they ever need me. I’ll always be here for them when they need me, even when they don’t need me.” 

Charity ignores the impulse to ask _ What about m_e? and stays quiet instead. She can tell Vanessa’s not done, and she doesn’t know if she can take another rejection. 

“I just -” Vanessa pauses, “I can’t be like my mum-”

“You’re not. You won’t be, I prom-”

“Don’t, Charity, just stop,” Vanessa says, shaking her head, she tightens her grip on Charity’s hand and strokes it gently before she continues, “We both know you’re never going to change, and I’ve never wanted you to. You’ve always been who you are and I love you for it. I do. I think I probably always will. I just - I can’t live everyday worrying about when you’re going to pull your next scam or if you’re going to up and leave and never come home, and I don’t want to spend every single day questioning everything you say or do, and I sure as hell don’t want to live my life wondering whether the person I’m meant to be spending the rest of my life with is telling the truth or feeding me lies. I don’t want to live like that, Charity. I can’t. I can’t be with someone I can’t trust. I deserve better than that, and you deserve to be loved by someone who can trust you. We both deserve better than that.”

“Babe-” 

Vanessa pulls her hand away from Charity’s grip as gets up off the couch and heads toward the kitchen. She turns her back away from Charity and starts clearing the dishes from the dining table, and Charity knows Vanessa’s trying to keep busy so she can stay strong because she doesn’t want to fall apart in front of Charity

“_Please_, Charity.” 

And Charity knows what Vanessa is asking.

The room is quiet other than the sound of dishes being thrown in the sink and it takes everything in Charity not to get on her knees in front of Vanessa and beg for mercy. Her heart is beating so fast she thinks she can hear it crack open when Vanessa says _ please _and for the first time in two days the devastation of what’s happening finally hits her. 

Her life is falling apart and she can’t do anything to stop it, and what’s worse is it’s her own fault. She’s ruined everything.

She takes a deep breath and steels herself because there’s one last thing she needs to do. The only thing that she can salvage from her and Vanessa’s relationship.

Because it isn’t just about her and Vanessa. It’s about their kids too. 

“Can I still see Johnny?” Her voice sounds small in her own ears and she can’t see Vanessa’s face but her shoulders drop and she can tell Vanessa’s holding back her own tears. 

(The knowledge that neither of them are making it out of this relationship with unmarred hearts would be comforting to Charity if it weren’t for the fact that there’s nothing she hates more in this world than seeing Vanessa upset.)

“Of course you can.” Vanessa replies quickly, and her next words come in a rush. For the first time all night, Vanessa sounds desperate. “I want to see Moses too, and Noah, if he wants to that is, if it’s alright with you.”

“Of course it’s alright with me. And he’ll want to. They both love you.”

_ (I love you.) _

The words they can’t say hangs in the air between them.

“We’ll figure something out,” Vanessa pauses before turning around to face Charity, her face completely calm and stoic if not for her eyes glistening with unshed tears, “I just think that it’s probably best that we stay away from each other for a little while. I think time will do us some good. It’ll be better for the kids if we don’t hate each other’s guts,” she jokes, and a sad smile spread across Vanessa’s face. 

Charity pats herself on the back for not immediately bursting into tears at the sight of that.

“Yeah, okay, whatever you need, Ness.” Charity replies kindly, and this time she’s the one who turns away from Vanessa, shifting on the sofa so she’s looking down on the floor of the living room instead of facing the kitchen. She tries to calm her breathing but any attempt she makes is futile, and when she speaks again her voice doesn’t sound like her own. “I really am Sorry, you know that right?”

“I know,” Vanessa replies, “So am I.”

It takes all the strength in her body for her to get up off the sofa before turning to look at Vanessa. She pauses for a second, taking Vanessa in, trying to memorize every detail she can of the woman standing in front of her and she can tell Vanessa’s doing the same. To Charity’s surprise, when their eyes meet Vanessa doesn’t immediately look away, and the mask Vanessa has kept on all night slips and Charity can see every inch of her heartbreak mirrored on Vanessa’s face. It feels like an eternity passes before Vanessa looks away and before Charity gathers enough strength to head out of Tug Ghyll. 

She’s reaching for the handle of the door when Vanessa interrupts her. 

“Charity?” She asks, and something akin to hope blooms in Charity’s chest. 

“I forgot to say - I need to pick up some of my stuff from the house, obviously, so if you can just let me know when you’re working in the pub so I can come over and grab my things, that would be-”

Charity’s face falls. 

“I’m uh-” She swallows, “I’m working the afternoon shift on Saturday, and Noah should be home if you need a hand with anything, if that works with you.”

“Saturday’s just fine.” Vanessa replies, “I’ll text you my rota as soon as I get it - best we get a routine going for the boys as soon as possible.”

“Right, yeah, of course.” 

“I guess I’ll uh let you go then - I’ll see you around.” 

“Take care of yourself, babe.” Charity replies. She forces a smile onto her face for Vanessa’s sake before she finally walks out the door. She figures she owes Vanessa that much. The kindness and the grace to let her go and walk away with her head held high so Vanessa doesn’t have to worry about her. 

(Because Vanessa _ will _ worry and just because they’re broken up doesn’t mean Charity doesn’t still know Vanessa better than the back of her own hand.)

So for the first time in Charity’s entire life she ignores the impulse to say all the wrong things and cause maximum damage and instead, she does the exact opposite. She walks away from the love of her life without a fight because it’s what Vanessa wants from her and Charity will be damned if she causes Vanessa another second of hurt if she can help it. 

Vanessa deserves better than that. 

_ Vanessa deserves better than her. _


End file.
